Right Where I Belong
I've been thinking a lot lately about where my life is, and where it's heading. I try to be honest with myself when I contemplate these things, because it would be otherwise useless. I've thought about the rollercoster of emotion I went through when applying to university (both times). Plenty of worries about if I was good enough to do it, or if I would be able to stick with it. And of course the financial burdon of being a student. Incurring debt with no forseeable income to pay it off. If it's really what I want, or if I'm just following social convention of some sort. Whether I'm trying to please other people, or if I am doing it to please myself? Will it pay off in the end? Or am I wasting valuble money and time? A lot of time. Years could be lost if I make the wrong choice.
But now I'm here, and the decision has been made. I have committed myself to at least two years here, in a lab with these people. Emotionally I have committed myself to longer. I have decided that I wouldn't be happy with anything less than my PhD. And so again I am worried and stuck in the worry of making the wrong decisions. Maybe I'm wasting my time. What will I do with it when I'm done. The age old question I've never been able to answer confidently...What do I want to be when I grow up? Except that now I'm grown up, and I still can't answer you confidently, so don't ask.
But I've decided on one thing. I am right where I should be. Every decision I've made up to this point has been the right one. I'm not regretting the financial strain, and I'm not regretting my education. I love the research I'm doing. I love to learn. I even like waking up early every morning and coming to the lab. I've learned to appreciate the alone time I have on the commute. I am right where I belong.
I still worry about what I'm going to do with the degree, when it's all said and done. But I'm not hiding from anything. I'm not putting off growing up by staying in school. This is what I was meant for, and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. My life is unfolding, and I'm right where I belong. A good feeling right?
But now I'm here, and the decision has been made. I have committed myself to at least two years here, in a lab with these people. Emotionally I have committed myself to longer. I have decided that I wouldn't be happy with anything less than my PhD. And so again I am worried and stuck in the worry of making the wrong decisions. Maybe I'm wasting my time. What will I do with it when I'm done. The age old question I've never been able to answer confidently...What do I want to be when I grow up? Except that now I'm grown up, and I still can't answer you confidently, so don't ask.
But I've decided on one thing. I am right where I should be. Every decision I've made up to this point has been the right one. I'm not regretting the financial strain, and I'm not regretting my education. I love the research I'm doing. I love to learn. I even like waking up early every morning and coming to the lab. I've learned to appreciate the alone time I have on the commute. I am right where I belong.
I still worry about what I'm going to do with the degree, when it's all said and done. But I'm not hiding from anything. I'm not putting off growing up by staying in school. This is what I was meant for, and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. My life is unfolding, and I'm right where I belong. A good feeling right?
posted by Aimee at 11:02 AM
1 Comments:
hey...just remember that you're degree will employ you...mine isn't going to. Ball State might as well just emboss the word "unemployment" under my name.
Great family pic, by the way! And I'm glad that you survived tonsil surgery! Give the family a hug for me!
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